I am Not a Loner

There are some things that just aren’t talked about. One of these is loners and the people who are labelled as such. I was given this label in public school and people have kept up with it longer than I am ok with. I would like to say, once and for all, that I am NOT a loner. Yes, I am quiet. Yes, I am an introvert. NO I am NOT a loner. 

To be classified as a loner, to me, is someone who does not wish to have friends. They don’t want to talk to their families every day, they are happy being by themselves and others just tend to disrupt the happiness. This is not how I am at all. I thoroughly enjoy being with other people, just in small groups. Am I one for a large house party where 3/4 of the people there are ones that I don’t know? Not overly. I more prefer a trip to the lake with a group of close friends for the weekend. I like my friend time. It is important to me. That being said, as of late it more seems like my friends are drifting. This is not something that makes me happy.

It’s the quiet, isn’t it? I don’t like to pry, momma made sure I was a good girl and minded my place. You don’t go over to friends uninvited and you sure don’t just ask them personal questions out of the blue. It’s not respectful. You must wait for people to contact you first, to open up to you, and don’t go inviting yourself into other people’s plans. But here’s where this backfires: I’m forgotten. Out of my friends back home I hear from two of them more than once a month. Out of my friends from college I see two of them maybe once a month, if not less. These are people that I opened up to, that I spent every day with for years. That’s HUGE for a quiet introvert. To hang out with them on the daily for years and then have a sudden cut in contact…well, it makes me feel dirty. Like I was used and now that we’re not in school I’m not needed and so I’m cast aside.

Now, one of those friends from back home is my longest-running friend, we’ve been friends since diapers and she’s the one I run to when I need a life coach or a good laugh. I’m in her wedding party, so that’s a plus! But it just seems like I’m there out of pity. I don’t know, but I’m just not included in anything anymore. Every other bridesmaid is invited out on her trips, I find out through facebook that they’re off at some resort or that the trip is booked. If I ask anything about it I just get short responses back. So I don’t pry, I just put my phone down and wonder what I did to upset them. But it’s not just her, it’s all of them.

Getting drunk snapchats from my friends at bonfires and small parties that they’re hosting at 3am is a common one. I don’t know how many times I’ve sent “if you know of a bonfire going on or so and so is having a party, let me know! I don’t have that far of a drive :)” in response to those snaps and texts. It sucks. I love my friends dearly, whenever they need help or want to hang out I’m there. When I try to organize something everything tends to fall apart, usually everyone cancels. So this lack of social life has seemed to peg me as a loner, even though I would gladly shift my weekday and weekend plans around my friends for some good fun.

It’s painful, really, to log onto facebook and see your friends out of the town, the statuses of “best weekend everrr” followed by a tagline of several more of your friends. You start to question what you did wrong to not be told of the plans, why you aren’t being included in the group that you were so tight with. They know you’re quiet and don’t invite yourself to events, so they know they can’t come back with “well, you ever asked”. Not like they’d ever have to explain themselves or even know that you’re hurt, because you’d never say anything about it.

I’m not a loner, I’m just alone.

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