It didn’t happen quickly. There was no “ah ha!” moment. No, it slowly crept up on me and with every bad moment the darkness took over another day and every day it took it became stronger. I used to be able to wave off a bad moment so the dark couldn’t take over and was able to see the light poking through. Now though the lights are far and few between. What were once spotlights have turned into small flickering flames. This is a moment of clarity in my depression, a brief moment of being able to see what is happening to me. And it scares me.
The worst thing about this darkness is that it turns your goals and the things that used to bring you joy against you. You start to walk past your hobbies. That half-finished crochet project is too easy or too hard; the book has reached a slow point or a part with a lot of important development and it’s too hard to process; the garden is overgrown with weeds and it will take too long to clean up. And so you do nothing, because surely nothing is easier than anything. But it isn’t. It is a lot of work to do nothing, or so it seems, because you’re exhausted all the time.
It’s all I can do some days to do more than take care of my 4 month old son. He’s probably the most perfect thing I’ve ever been a part of and yet there are days I don’t want to hold him. He plays within sight but not within reach. He doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets his nursing whenever he wants. In exchange for doing that, I won’t eat, sleep, change out of pjs, or even brush my hair. That requires energy. And so the darkness takes another day.
But the darkness requires feeding and eventually bad days are not enough. No, it needs another food source: here comes Guilt and Doubt. So you didn’t make dinner, you’re a filthy slob of a wife. Your husband works long hours 6 days a week and then does all the livestock chores (which, by the way, just cost you money cause you can’t figure out how to market shit properly, idiot) when he gets home and you can’t even throw some food together? Pathetic. He deserves better than you.
The darkness is a nasty thing.
I don’t want to feel like garbage. Once upon a time I was happy but it seems like I’ve forgotten how. I know my husband loves me and like me he’s hoping this will pass but Guilt and Doubt still follow me around making terrible commentary. There are days, like today, where I want to throw in the towel. Not for everything, just big chunks of things like our livestock. We wanted to make a go of it so badly that we moved across the country to afford land but it’s been plagued by bad luck; so naturally I feel like pulling the “fuck it” plug.
We’ll see. My husband is forcing me to go to see our doctor to figure something out. Until then I’ll go over the Mind over Matter book and cry at all the case studies again.